A scene from the evil chapter 12. Which nobody, including me, can figure out how the hell to get onto paper. Cut the artist some slack, that's not what I look like, but somebody can't paint faces.
Um. It's a long self-involved explanation. Basically - no, never have, never will. But there's this thing. See, Pyraxis wasn't always Pyraxis. There's this thing. She calls it her "dysfunctional inner child" when she's trying to joke. It has other names -
Okay, before anyone gets any mistaken impressions, I have to make this very clear. She is not talking about a "little", an "alter", or any of the other words people use for a multiple's fragmented children. I don't identify as a multiple and I certainly don't identify with littles. I've met littles, I've gotten to know them, and that is not what is going on here.
You know what? You should get the fuck off me. I'm me, I've got my own life, and I know things. Like I know that there is a certain post where a certain person claims to be hiding in me. And you can claim you were just playing a game, that you were just faking things for his sake, and you can laugh off all of his and Walkie's claims as superstition and wishful thinking. And I'm not gonna claim that you've got some other person living in your head, cause you know as well as I do that it's more like a bunch of shattered fragments, and you know how they got shattered, too, and -
Whoa whoa whoa... Um. Sorry, guys. Maybe I shouldn't have asked that. Or next time I should ask Pyraxis about Pyraxis. :\
But- I guess- I'm still kinda confused and I don't know what's going on. Pyraxis, you say for Fiona to talk, and then she talks and you say to shut up. *shrugs*
I didn't know she was going to try and cross the wall. :/
You're right again, I was being a hypocrite. Maybe she can come back. It's just I have this habit of slipping into emo arguments, and when I do that, work doesn't get done on the book. I don't want to bleed off this energy here if I could channel it into telling a compelling story.
And Fiona doesn't seem to have any discretion. I was reading a writing newsletter the other day which said something like "Write what you're afraid to write, because those are the things worth saying." And I'm not really afraid to write on here. I'm concerned that I'm just distracting myself from planting my butt in the chair and doing the real work.
Then go write because I'm curious and I wanna see your story! I don't know anything of what happens to Fiona!
But... Gah, maybe that doesn't work, either. With what Fiona said about you not being able to tell the story. Can I just ask you direct what the problem is? Like, why did you want Fiona to talk if you think it might distract you? I mean, you and her are obviously having problems, I just don't feel like I know all of what's going on.
...Speaking of bleeding off energy, well, this is kinda changing the subject a lot but I might as well tell it to you. Yesterday I got stuck in Yonjuunana's head for a while and couldn't get back to my world. And it fucking sucked. So... There's still a lot of stuff I want to get done, but in a few days I might be going on vacation for like a week. Stay out of the Dreaming and just do my own thing for a while. We think it'd be good for me. Well, I think I might go a little crazy with less people to talk to, but... *shrugs* Yeah, I should do it. Just for a week. I'll let you know before I go.
I can understand getting out of here for a week. Maybe it'll be good for me too. I really didn't intend to get into all this inner child crap. If it weren't for being kind of - pledged - to keep going forward, I'd take an excuse to drop out for a while too.
I'm working on writing. I got a little bit done last night and I have to go at it again tonight. I will get the story to you ASAP.
And- *nervous grin* Nobody set me on fire for saying this, kay? I'm already part of the club.
If Fiona's not fronting, then you're letting her post what she said, so that means there's gotta be something you're trying to say with this. Right? Although I totally don't know what it is yet.
Nah, you're totally right. By allowing this crap on my LJ, when I could hit delete or just not post in the first place, I have as much of a hand in the drama as Fiona does.
I thought it might go somewhere interesting. And I admit I know that when you say "this absolutely has to stop", people watching are gonna want to know what was about to be said. One of the things I'm supposed to be learning is how to do compelling writing, and you guys are my guinea pigs.
There is something I'm trying to get at here, but I don't know what it is. I just have a vague instinct for it. If I knew, then I wouldn't have to go to all this trouble in the first place.
*grin* I knowwww, it's not fair that you said stop cause now I'm all curious...
Yonjuunana has stuff to say about "inner child" or whatever but she says she's gonna say it to you somewhere else behind a friendslock later on when she has time. Maybe that will help. For the record, I am NOT her inner child, hers is doing just fine thankyouverymuch. I'm actually the one who got more nervous when I saw inner child stuff being mentioned, I think mine was really stupid but it died and got replaced by another one and so I'm better now? Or maybe I don't even know what the fuck I'm saying. :)
Your inner child can freeze people to death?! THAT's not good. You should get that looked at.
Maybe my first one really is a ghost. But my second one's doing good. Hey, if people are allowed to have lots of kids, they should be able to have more than one inner kid, too.
Yeah, it's seriously not. She's just a kid. She doesn't understand how much she hurts people when she tries to touch them. I suppose it's no wonder that she keeps getting in trouble and running away from places and pretending to be something she's not and trying to please people.
And yeah, I totally see no reason you couldn't have more than one inner child. Maybe you've got a whole inner family. :P
Hey, can I ask about the "don't identify as a multiple" thing? I've been doing more research into multiplicity stuff and am still trying to figure out what the heck to identify as, or what vocabulary is best to describe myself. *grin* And then in the comments in that post by beauty_eternal you talk about multiplicity and it sounds like you are including yourself in that.
I'll probably be doing a lot more processing of this stuff in my new lj filter soon. I think I have a lot to say, both about the blurring between imagination and multiplicity, and about the communication in groups of multiples stuff you mentioned, but I'm pretty exhausted and pressed for time at the moment so I guess this is just another "I'm thinking about it and will get it out in words eventually" notification. :)
My first introduction to multiplicity was the trauma-based definition and there are still a lot of people that think of it that way. DID, extreme abuse, all that. I don't want to run the risk of people overhearing little bits of what I talk about and classing me that way. I would find it beyond embarrassing to have to explain to someone that I was not badly traumatized, and in a way I find it disrespectful to the people who have survived stuff like that to turn "multiplicity" into a half-game that writers play and can put aside whenever it's convenient. It's the same way that I make a clear distinction between "autism" and "on the autism spectrum".
I figured that beauty_eternal knew enough about different terminology that I didn't have to worry about that confusion with her.
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...Oh. You mean that.
Um. It's a long self-involved explanation. Basically - no, never have, never will. But there's this thing. See, Pyraxis wasn't always Pyraxis. There's this thing. She calls it her "dysfunctional inner child" when she's trying to joke. It has other names -
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Okay, before anyone gets any mistaken impressions, I have to make this very clear. She is not talking about a "little", an "alter", or any of the other words people use for a multiple's fragmented children. I don't identify as a multiple and I certainly don't identify with littles. I've met littles, I've gotten to know them, and that is not what is going on here.
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You know what? You should get the fuck off me. I'm me, I've got my own life, and I know things. Like I know that there is a certain post where a certain person claims to be hiding in me. And you can claim you were just playing a game, that you were just faking things for his sake, and you can laugh off all of his and Walkie's claims as superstition and wishful thinking. And I'm not gonna claim that you've got some other person living in your head, cause you know as well as I do that it's more like a bunch of shattered fragments, and you know how they got shattered, too, and -
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But- I guess- I'm still kinda confused and I don't know what's going on. Pyraxis, you say for Fiona to talk, and then she talks and you say to shut up. *shrugs*
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You're right again, I was being a hypocrite. Maybe she can come back. It's just I have this habit of slipping into emo arguments, and when I do that, work doesn't get done on the book. I don't want to bleed off this energy here if I could channel it into telling a compelling story.
And Fiona doesn't seem to have any discretion. I was reading a writing newsletter the other day which said something like "Write what you're afraid to write, because those are the things worth saying." And I'm not really afraid to write on here. I'm concerned that I'm just distracting myself from planting my butt in the chair and doing the real work.
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But... Gah, maybe that doesn't work, either. With what Fiona said about you not being able to tell the story. Can I just ask you direct what the problem is? Like, why did you want Fiona to talk if you think it might distract you? I mean, you and her are obviously having problems, I just don't feel like I know all of what's going on.
...Speaking of bleeding off energy, well, this is kinda changing the subject a lot but I might as well tell it to you. Yesterday I got stuck in Yonjuunana's head for a while and couldn't get back to my world. And it fucking sucked. So... There's still a lot of stuff I want to get done, but in a few days I might be going on vacation for like a week. Stay out of the Dreaming and just do my own thing for a while. We think it'd be good for me. Well, I think I might go a little crazy with less people to talk to, but... *shrugs* Yeah, I should do it. Just for a week. I'll let you know before I go.
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I'm working on writing. I got a little bit done last night and I have to go at it again tonight. I will get the story to you ASAP.
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If Fiona's not fronting, then you're letting her post what she said, so that means there's gotta be something you're trying to say with this. Right? Although I totally don't know what it is yet.
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I thought it might go somewhere interesting. And I admit I know that when you say "this absolutely has to stop", people watching are gonna want to know what was about to be said. One of the things I'm supposed to be learning is how to do compelling writing, and you guys are my guinea pigs.
There is something I'm trying to get at here, but I don't know what it is. I just have a vague instinct for it. If I knew, then I wouldn't have to go to all this trouble in the first place.
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Yonjuunana has stuff to say about "inner child" or whatever but she says she's gonna say it to you somewhere else behind a friendslock later on when she has time. Maybe that will help. For the record, I am NOT her inner child, hers is doing just fine thankyouverymuch. I'm actually the one who got more nervous when I saw inner child stuff being mentioned, I think mine was really stupid but it died and got replaced by another one and so I'm better now? Or maybe I don't even know what the fuck I'm saying. :)
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Maybe my first one really is a ghost. But my second one's doing good. Hey, if people are allowed to have lots of kids, they should be able to have more than one inner kid, too.
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And yeah, I totally see no reason you couldn't have more than one inner child. Maybe you've got a whole inner family. :P
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I'll probably be doing a lot more processing of this stuff in my new lj filter soon. I think I have a lot to say, both about the blurring between imagination and multiplicity, and about the communication in groups of multiples stuff you mentioned, but I'm pretty exhausted and pressed for time at the moment so I guess this is just another "I'm thinking about it and will get it out in words eventually" notification. :)
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I figured that