"He glared daggers at Vinh." Though I understand that you are trying to portray his angry glare, to me, this sentence just makes me chuckle. I feel as though it just doesn't lend itself to the expression you are trying to make. I would suggest rewording it such as "His glare resembled daggers pointed at Vinh." Actually, I'm not sure if I like that either. I'll have to think about that sentence some more.
"Vinh's mind spun with the patent infeasability of that kind of censorship." This could just be a limited vocabulary, but I'm not sure how patent fits here. What does it mean in this sentence (so that I can learn too!).
"She wasn't sentient, simply a massive data-gathering machine, parsing and correlating information but incapable of making a willful proactive choice.
Like what? he wondered. Whether to disclose the source of each snippet of data she receives?" I'm not quite sure what the "Like What" refers to. Maybe I'm just reading it wrong or something, but I just can't find the reference point.
"From the outside, how did one distinguish choice from chance? She was doing what she was programmed to do: collect valuable information." I love those two lines. I find them very powerful, and very true. I'm glad to see Vinh also wishes to help preserve her.
Altogether, the piece is quite intriguing and unique. Once again, the characters are very believable and stay true to their characters. I too enjoy seeing how you have Vinh respond to his creation, refusing to let Reinhart do exactly what he himself was going to do, AND, most importantly, REALIZING that he intending the same. As your other editor mentioned, it's very realistic to the parental role Vinh is likely to feel for being so absorbed in MARIA's creation. Overall, I really enjoyed this. I hope the editing has helped in some way. As I said, feel free to ask if you have any questions about what I have said.
Re: Editor #1
"He glared daggers at Vinh."
Though I understand that you are trying to portray his angry glare, to me, this sentence just makes me chuckle. I feel as though it just doesn't lend itself to the expression you are trying to make. I would suggest rewording it such as "His glare resembled daggers pointed at Vinh." Actually, I'm not sure if I like that either. I'll have to think about that sentence some more.
"Vinh's mind spun with the patent infeasability of that kind of censorship."
This could just be a limited vocabulary, but I'm not sure how patent fits here. What does it mean in this sentence (so that I can learn too!).
"She wasn't sentient, simply a massive data-gathering machine, parsing and correlating information but incapable of making a willful proactive choice.
Like what? he wondered. Whether to disclose the source of each snippet of data she receives?"
I'm not quite sure what the "Like What" refers to. Maybe I'm just reading it wrong or something, but I just can't find the reference point.
"From the outside, how did one distinguish choice from chance? She was doing what she was programmed to do: collect valuable information."
I love those two lines. I find them very powerful, and very true. I'm glad to see Vinh also wishes to help preserve her.
Altogether, the piece is quite intriguing and unique. Once again, the characters are very believable and stay true to their characters. I too enjoy seeing how you have Vinh respond to his creation, refusing to let Reinhart do exactly what he himself was going to do, AND, most importantly, REALIZING that he intending the same. As your other editor mentioned, it's very realistic to the parental role Vinh is likely to feel for being so absorbed in MARIA's creation. Overall, I really enjoyed this. I hope the editing has helped in some way. As I said, feel free to ask if you have any questions about what I have said.
Best of luck in the polls,
Kiana